A Book Review: MWF seeking BFF: My yearlong search for a new best friend by Rachel Bertsche

If you’ve ever been wondering what the secret recipe is to make new friends, the types and quantities of friends a girl needs to have to be complete, or what the girl next to you on the airplane is thinking when you strike up a conversation as the plane descends… this is the book for you.

Theresa, one of my “lifers” (defined by journalist Valerie Frankel and quoted by Bertsche is ‘the lifer, who’s as deep and forever as family’ of which women only need 3-5) sent me this book, as I made the friend-leaving leap of moving to a new city with my husband where I neither have a job or close friends (defined in the book as ‘the close buddy, an intimate, trustworthy comrade you can say anything to;’ 5-12 of these is what ever woman needs – and family doesn’t count according to Bertsche) within 450 miles.

By the end of the introduction, I was immediately hooked. I wanted to reach out to Rachel (the author) when I got to her never-posted want ad, “Married white female seeks best friend forever for last-minute brunches, TV-watching playdates, and general girl talk.” That’s what I want! And so began my 340 page girl crush.

We were so similar, Rachel and I. We both were married, both 27, recently located to a new city for our men, liked to do yoga and run, highly value friendship, have great friends but not anywhere close to where we live, vote Democratic, lost our fathers in their mid-50s and are both a little overly analytical, neurotic, and quirky about interpersonal interactions. Rachel and I were meant to be!  And as I turned the pages, she became my imaginary new friend. I’d sit along side her on her first 10-15 friend dates. In my head, we’d be giggling, analyzing everything about each of the dates like when we went on friend-date 8 with Jen and Alison and realized that the “biggest barrier to bestfreindship with these two is the fact that they’ve already got a tight-knit local group.”

I rode her ups and downs, like getting nearly depressed thinking about all of my friend’s lives in San Diego and elsewhere going on without me. It reminded me of when I’d see my lifers from high school during college breaks and realize that they’d all been having lives, loves, and life-defining moments without me. But of course, I had been doing the same as well.

Around friend-date 15, when Rachel proclaimed her very own girl crush with Jillian, my IRL real-life friend finding was in full swing in San Jose too. I had been on my own girl-dates with my sister-in-law Chrissy (who for my definition is both family and friend), my brother’s girl-friend Angie and their friends, Katie (Paul’s high school friend’s wife who I’ve always loved to be around), Tatiana (who found me again just as she did when I was her RA and invited me be in her girlfriend group), old friends from HS and college student council, and a brand new friend Alissa (who I met at a lab Meetup she hosted and immediately felt like we were two peas in a pod). I was “writing a new chapter” as my dear friend Jessi would say!

And just like that, Rachel had been there for me like a friend and through her own search helped me get through the hardest part of the relocation. She cheered me on as I said “yes” to every offer to hang out, coached me to get better at girl “picking up,” and gave me hope that I will make new friends that one day might become lifers, close friends, or even just a large network of casual friends who each serve a specific purpose like someone to get mani/pedis with.

So if you’re reading this don’t be afraid to write me an fb message, comment, or email. If I’ve learned anything from this book, saying yes to new adventures is important and the journey is just as important as the destination!

P.S. Some of my favorite friend facts from the book are below:

pg. intro xviii: Frankel’s research found that women should have 3 to 5 lifers, 5 to 12 close friends, 10 to 50 casuals, and 10 to 100 aqcuaintences.

pg. 18: An Australian study found that 70 year-olds with a large friend network were 22% more likely to survive the next 10 years that those with fewer friends.

pg. 27: Cacioppo states that the best way to upgrade a friendship from friend to best friend is to venture out of the natural habitat. Research suggests doing things that are ridiculous, like Rachel’s fortune telling date with Hilary. (Sarah – this reminds me of our early hang out where we went to that hold hotel and played the pianos in the upstairs foyer)

pg. 46: Only 30 percent of employees report having a best freinds at work, and most people would opt for an office bestie over a 10% raise (Liz and Athena – this reminds me of you!)

pg. 153: “If I had to pick one indicator of whether a friendship will take off after the first date, how many times we laughed in a given meeting would be it.”

Oh there are so many fun facts, but you’ll just have to read the book yourself. Thank you Theresa for sending me this book! It arrived just when I needed it.